Facebook is Not your dating friend

Mashable posted a story back in April about the 5 Ways Facebook Changed Dating (For the Worse).  The reasons include 

1. Over analyzing
2. The Action Your Ex is Getting
3. Breakups are Public
4. Record of Relationship Mistakes
5. Jealously

All of these are very valid and I've witnessed them all in some form or another.  However, what they fail to mention are the pitfalls that occur prior to any "real" relationship.  
A while back, a guy I met on Match asked me to become friends with him on Facebook prior to our 1st date.  I thought it was a little odd but there is the benefit of being able to check out other pictures, see what their friends look like, and see if there are any GLARINGLY obvious reasons why you should not go out into a public place with this person.  So, like any savvy online dater, I checked him out.  He seemed normal; we had things in common.  He also picked out a place I'd been wanting to try.  I thought a win-win.  


We arrive at the restaurant and are seated.  I'm wearing a cream silk short sleeve version of the shirt below.  Somewhat sexy, but not terribly revealing and a big chunky necklace.  

 We order and start to chat.  I notice he is gazing rather intently at my chest and finally he says something like nice necklace.  A little annoying but we continue.  He proceeds to tell me about his 2 little girls and ex-wife.  Not terribly appealing convo but I guess, it's better to have it out there.  He then busts out with he's had a vasectomy.  Mind you, he is 35 years old. My jaw drops and I stutter excuse me, what?  He repeats that after having his 2nd child, he and his former wife decided it was time to tie the tubes.  I think TMI for the first date; WHY oh WHY are you telling me this; Are you trying to let me know if we do it, I'm safe???  Lots of other things go through my head and we've barely finished our appetizers.  Now, I realize I'm with a TMI guy who will still not stop staring at my chest and there's nothing showing!  Mr. V and I continue dinner but at this point, I have checked out.  I still can't believe that this sort of thing comes up at dinner on a 1st date.  Plus, there were no warnings from his emails, our conversations, or his Facebook page.  


Finally, we wrap up and he walks me to my car.  He tries to lean in for the kiss but I bob and weave and get out with a hug.  Thank God!  I get home and settle down on the couch and of course, start playing on Facebook.  Well, what do you know, Mr. V's comments start to pop up along with comments from his 10 friends.  The comments go something like this:


Mr. V: My date showed up in a revealing top so it was quite a nice view during dinner.
Friend 1: Women are always shoving their shit out their for everyone to see.
Friend 2: A girl knows when she's got her shit on parade.  She must be a slut.
Friend 3: Was the date good otherwise? 
Friend 4: Did you get any since she was obviously ready and willing to put out?
And on and on.


I would suggest not participating in such actions as it can back fire.  Of course, the first thing I did in response was start posting on how he brought up that he had a vasectomy on a 1st date to which my friends responded WHAT!?!?!?!  After a round of comments from them, I promptly de-friended him and moved on.  He continued to email me for a couple of weeks.  Needless to say, I did not respond and blocked him on Match.  Fast forward a year, he sends me a random email AGAIN asking if we can go out.  I receive this email around the same time as Mr. I Hate the South asks me to connect on Linked In.  What's up with these guy in general but also what's up with a year after follow up?  And why would Mr. V think I was want to date him after he and his friends talked shit about me on Facebook for not only me but the rest of the world to see as well???

Round 2: The Non-Divorced Guy and No, I don't mean Married Guy...

Now for round 2,  meet the Mr. Divorced Analyst Creative (Mr. DAC).  He's writing a book and yet a numbers guy.  I'm a big fan of people that are able to use both sides of the brain primarily because I wish I was one.  Again, we have similar values, yada yada.  We have great conversations via email and on the phone.  In fact, after the 1st date, he's offered to put me in touch with his colleague to help me find a job.  Winner, right?!  Second date goes great as well even though I tend to speak more of mind than usual. A couple of drinks deep, I state you're not divorced yet and therefore, there will be basically be no emotional attachment from me until you are.  I'm hoping I said it with a little more tact but I doubt it...  The rest of the night continues with those conversations you don't want to end.

I amazingly get asked out on the 3rd date (somewhat of a surprise after open mouth insert foot comments from date 2) which is usually a maker or breaker.  I meet him at his house which he used to share with his former wife.  It was a little strange but I was in and out.  We have a lovely time at dinner and then have drinks afterwards.  While having beers, he mentions we should definitely plan on going to a football game this fall.  I think I must be doing something right--making plans for the fall already...I'm still not sure about our next date yet.  Then, Mr. DAC states we should no longer make out (even though we have in the past) and he wants to make sure that I'm not confused by the status of our "relationship".  Again, I state I know you're not divorced but I enjoy your company and that's that.  

He then proceeds to flirt and steal kisses the rest of the night.  Mixed signals but whatever...it gets late and driving home for me is no longer an option.  We order pizza and go back to his place, eat, and go to sleep.  I wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom, go to the kitchen for water, and what do I see on his refrigerator: his wedding pic with his former wife.  Not just one picture but 2 pictures.  I walk back through the house and then notice that some of her clothes are still there and her heels.  Note: I was NOT snooping they were in plain view at the foot of the guest bed.  Quickly, I get dressed and am now thinking what have I gotten myself into....he's not over his wife and I have GOT TO GO NOW.   As I'm hurriedly trying to get myself out the door, he says, "Wait, huh, where are you going? Don't you want to have breakfast together?" I say, "No, gotta go to the lake and have brunch with my parents."    

I know I have set myself up for failure on this one, but really, you're in the divorce process, you're bringing women to your home, and you still have your marriage pictures up and her clothes and heels are displayed like she still lives there.  I appreciate it if you're not ready to date;  divorce is very difficult--most of family has had one, but know yourself well enough to heal before trying to move on.  Of course as I write all of that, I'm still not sure what I'll do if I get asked on a fourth date...despite being creeped out.

The Non-Divorced Guy and No, I don't mean Married Guy...

I've had the fortunate or unfortunate experience of dating a couple of men that are in the process of getting divorced.  Several things come to mind as I think about these experiences.  My advice to others: WAIT until the ink is dry on the divorce papers.  


Divorce law is a little different in North Carolina.  You have to wait an entire year in order for your divorce to be finalized.  I assume this law was put in place by those hoping that couples would work out their differences and reduce the divorce rate.  


When I started dating online in my mid-20s, under no circumstance would I even consider going out with someone that had been previously married.  I didn't want to deal with the baggage of an ex-wife.  Fast forward 5 years and I've come to realize especially in NC (when just about everyone you know is married by 25) that I've got to let that requirement go.  However, I have also realized that they need to be fully divorced before we date.


Now for story time:
I met Dr. Non-Divorced on Match and he was great!  I'm talking would've married him tomorrow wonderful.  There were so many commonalities: same values, same desires, similar family backgrounds, adaptable, you get the picture.  Initially, we emailed.  Then came the nightly conversations.  He was especially over the moon as I know a thing or two about trucks and SUVs specifically Toyota Land Cruisers and International Scouts.  Finally, we go out and have a great date.  The conversation continues for a month until one day there is silence.  I email him and ask if I've done something to turn him off in a non-defensive, approachable manner.  I get a response (yay!) stating:

I should have been more informative and apologize for not communicating better. THis is the first day I have had off in a long while. I'll call you after sorting through a few things (like milk 2 weeks past expiration, lol).


I think, WOW, this is what adult dating is supposed to like.  Two weeks go by and still very little communication until I get another stating he's been busy.  Finally, there is nothing at all. Now, I'm not sure if his romance with work got in the way or if he went back to his wife.  Either way, it was a big let down to have been told over and over how wonderful one is for it to end in silence.

How NOT to start a conversation

I find it truly baffling how some men approach women in general but some take it to another level online.  I would beg to say that insulting a woman as your first approach is not going to get you very far.  I'm so fortunate as I was contacted by one of these types not so long ago. Email chain goes like this:


FROM: Hal90***
wow!!!!
"A litle bit of this.....bit of that." That's really a gem. That was beautiful! who said that, confuscious? I mean, honestly!

TO: HAL90***
re: wow!!!
Definitely a Leeism, not a Confucianism..what can I say I have a way with words?


FROM:HAL90***
re: wow!!!
Tell me something, do you ever have this little voice in your head that says this might be a bad idea? Let me put it to you this way..your dating headline,"a litttle bit of this....that." is a bit pathetic. Although it does have a certain kindergarten charm.


FROM:HAL90***
re: wow!!!
It's called sense of humor? Tell me something, ok? In what universe do you spent most of your time?Trying to have a conversation with you..it's like talking to a dinning-room table. I've no desire doing that. I don't have a lot of hope for you...but I wish you good luck


I will admit my headline of "a little of this and a little of that" is not stellar but I like it and it describes me.  Plus, have you ever really seen a dating headline that is reminiscent of Shakespeare or Faulkner?  I haven't and this guy's headline talked about Mai Tais.  In 3 emails, he managed to call me pathetic, say I have kindergarten charm,  "having a conversation with me is like talking to a dinning room table", and he doesn't have a lot of hope for me.  If he, apparently, found me so without merit or charm, why did he contact me first?  Is this really his definition of a conversation?  Insult and then hope the other individual really wants to chat more with you.  I think not.

Why girls shouldn't like sports or Why don't you go back to where you came from?

A while back I went on this date and prior to the actual date, I really thought this particular date was going to go exceedingly well.  We both had our MBAs; we both had lived in China.  Not to mention, from the emails and phone calls, it seemed we were on the same page: looking for similar things, wanted the same things out of life, enjoyed traveling, being active, etc.

We scheduled our date for a Friday night at 8:30pm.  It was during the the 2009 NCAA Championship and Carolina was playing LSU.  I thought: Perfect, I can watch the game, then I can go on the date and not be distracted.  Around 7:15pm, the game was tied and looked like it might go into overtime.  I immediately texted the guy and said, "Might be 5 minutes late.  UNC and LSU are tied and the game might go into overtime." As soon as I hit send, the phone rings.  It's him--clearly annoyed, asking if we should re-schedule, and ranting about how watching sports is stupid--he only plays sports, doesn't watch.  This should have been a signal to CANCEL and run for the hills.  I say, "No, no, just wanted to let you know.  We're still on and I should be there at 830.  Just wanted to give you a heads up."

Game ends; Carolina wins (YAY!).  I show up 5 minutes early and text him to tell him I'm waiting at the bar.  I get a text back saying he hasn't even left his house yet....WHAT!  He calls the restaurant and asks the maitre d' to send over a fancy cocktail on his behalf and tell me he's sorry for being late.  It was a nice gesture, but really why haven't you left the house at 830pm??  He arrives at 8:50.  That's right--20 minutes late.  We order drinks and start chatting.

He goes on again about how he doesn't understand people that watch sports.  What's the point of watching and not playing?  Well, I'm a die hard UNC fan and watch almost every game.  This sort of logic just doesn't make sense to me but whatever.  College basketball is a big deal in North Carolina just like football is huge in Texas.  Southerners just have a things for watching sports, I guess.  I mention this fact and this takes the conversation on a turn for the worst.  A little background: he's from upstate New York, lived in NYC, went to Columbia, and moved here for work.  I'm originally from NC, lived in DC for 8 years, and moved back to NC in 2006.

Bringing up Southern heritage or likes and dislikes, boy, did it get him started on a rampage.  He starts with all Southerners are back stabbing assholes and yes, he did say all (aren't I one and didn't YOU ask ME on a date).  His reasoning is that we have this fabulous saying "bless your heart".  Now, I will admit sometimes "bless your heart" is followed by something not so kind and Southerners tend to not be so direct.  We do, however, say hello to you walking down the street (I got strange looks for this in DC) and if anything goes wrong (someone dying, etc), we will fill your house full of food.  You get the good and bad...just like with Yankees.  He continues to lambaste North Carolina, the South, and me.  He hates it here, it's too slow, people are too fake, people are ignorant, and on and on and on.  I'm offended but decide to be the proper Southern belle I was raised and don't knock him out.

Then, it is time to order dinner.  Obviously, it's March Madness and therefore Lent season.  I give up meat and dairy for Lent (fasting).  It's a little extreme but I like to do it (like might be a little strong but...).  We're discussing what to order and I mention this.  He then starts to attack my religious beliefs.  First, he asks if I am really religious.  I say no, but I feel a sense of accomplishment after 40 days of fasting and I sure think about God every time I want to eat.  Apparently, this answer isn't good enough.  Why would I waste my time fasting if I don't attend church regularly?  God, doesn't really care if you fast or not.  Lent isn't so terribly important and really, you just shouldn't do this.  By this time, I am extremely offended.  I am not Baptist and I am not a snake handler.  In fact, I don't particularly care for organized religion in general.  However, I do make a personal choice during Lent and I think it brings me closer to the man upstairs.

Dinner comes; we eat.  As soon as we finish, he asks for the check and pays.  It is now 9:40pm.  He says thanks, shakes my hand, and walks out of the restaurant.  Yep, that's right.  One of the shortest dates ever (50 minutes) and the entirety of which was spent telling me that my heritage and where we both live is wrong/backwards/backstabbing and I wasn't religious enough in the proper way or manner and my choices were stupid.

If you hate the South and North Carolina so much, then GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!  We didn't ask you to move here.  In fact, your kind is taking away or diluting many of the things that we love about the South.  This is a little harsh and really only meant for him.  I have many friends that aren't Southern and are extremely lovely.  His tirade, however, literally almost made me forget all of my manners and start the "War of Northern Aggression" all over again.

P.S. A year later, he requests to be my contact on Linked In stating we are friends.  Did I miss something?  If I'm a back-stabbing, ignorant, "bless your heart" saying Southerner, why do you want to connect?

What happens when Mom gets involved

Fortunately for me, my mother is not like most Southern mothers at least in terms of appropriate age for marriage.  Some of my friends in NC got married fairly young (i.e. 22-23); others waited until 28/29.  Then, there are the few and the proud that are still single--obviously including yours truly.  My mother has never said or implied that I should already be married or asked why I'm an aging spinster.  Thank goodness.  This, however, is not the case for many women both in the South and outside its confines.  So while I am grateful my mother is not one of those mothers harping on and on about marriage and grand babies, I still definitely feel some sort of pressure about why I'm not married yet.  And it sucks.  I am still a complete and normal person even though I don't have a wedding ring or 3 kids in tow.  I just haven't found my Mr. Wonderful yet.

What does get interesting is talking to my mom about dating and this has been the case since I was a child.  The mantra I have heard my entire life is: You can marry a rich man as easily as you can marry a poor one.  Followed by dad saying, "I will be checking out your future fiancee's financial statements prior to condoning/approving/accepting the engagement."  Now, some of this is in jest, but we all know behind all jokes is an element of truth.  My parents truly do only want me to marry someone that is financially well off.  As a rebellious teen, I thought this was the most absurd desire in the world.  I also thought that love conquers all and other romantic notions.  As I approach 30, I have come to realize that a financially attractive person is almost an important personality, humor, and the like.  I hate myself for admitting this, but there is truth in numbers.  We all know over 50% of marriages end in divorce; the reason behind many of those divorces is money.  So why set myself up for failure, if I can avoid it?  Not to mention, I've waited this long...

In discussing my dating situation with my mother (and to be honest, lamenting), she bizarrely asks me, "Are you dressing appropriately for your dates?"  Clearly, it has to be my fault that out of the hundreds of dates I've gone on, no one has stuck.  I looked at her and said, "What?" She repeated, "Your clothes on dates?"  I said, "Mom, are you serious??! I dress like any other 20/30 something going out to dinner or on a date.  It is not my freaking clothes."  What upset me more was the sideways glance I got as if she didn't believe me!  I do not wear freaky teaky clothes on dates but I also don't wear a St. John's suit.  Neither do I think is appropriate for a first date.  Most of the time, it's either a nice top and jeans with heels or a dress.  Neither terribly revealing but I don't look like a nun either.  A girl's gotta have a little sex appeal, come on.  Still can't get over being asked about my attire...

I'm Not Trying to Flirt...then WHY are You on a Dating Site?

There comes a point in every online dating experience in which you think A) Am I really doing this? B) Why are people so strange?  The following message makes me ask both of these questions.

No, no, no no.....lol. Uggggggg. You think I'm trying to flirt with you and I'm not. And that bothers me because if that's the way you are thinking then you must think everything I've said is just BS. It's not BS. I told you I don't do "fake." If I didn't feel it was true, I wouldn't be saying it.
Okay, maybe 1% of me was flirting, but I did not want you to lose the real message. The real message is that My thoughts toward you are simple. I think you are very genuine, very loyal, and very fun. Key words being genuine and loyal. Anyway, all I am trying to say is that I get the fact that you are special. So special that if you shot me down a million times, I wouldn't care. I'd still think you were a hell of a person.

Lee, YES, my God yes you are gorgeous. I can't deny that. But that's not why I am here. It' just not. I only hope on some level you can see that. Your head should be swelled. Someone out there thinks very highly of you as a whole person for who you are now. Not for what you "could become." You are very very special right now, all by yourself. And that's extremely rare for me to find. On some level I had to try to share that with you. That's all.

No matter what I say you're just going to think I'm trying to flirt. Terribly frustrating. Lol. (shaking head)


While the message in some ways flattering, I have some additional questions.  How does this person after 1 email think that he knows me so well? And why are you on a dating site if, on some level, you aren't trying to flirt?  Isn't flirting part of dating?  

I Don't Drink - The Water Guy

The first post by Emily Macintosh that I came across was I Don't Drink - Take 2. Introducing... Cheap Water....  This particularly struck a chord because I apparently have been out with her date's EVIL twin that lives on the East Coast in NC.  Her Water Guy at least talked positively about his family and tried to pitch himself.  My Water Guy, on the other hand, couldn't have sold water to people dying of thirst much less could he sell himself.

Case and point: for the first 20 minutes, he complained about Charlotte: the traffic, the neighborhoods, the cost of living (the is a big WHAT since Charlotte is cheap in the grand scheme of things), and last but not least the people especially the girls.  The next 10 minutes was spent on the quality of women in Charlotte.  All of the girls in Charlotte, according to my Water Guy, were beyond social climbers, idiots, and fake.  I'll acquiesce there are these types of girls in Charlotte but they are also everywhere else, HELLO.

Several more minutes pass, he excuses himself to the restroom, comes back, and informs me he is leaving then strides out the door.  I'm left with half of my second Miller Light staring at his back as he leaves (mouth agape).  The bartender comes over, looks at me and his empty water glass, and says, "God, that was awful and I wasn't even on the date."  It's always nice to know there are sympathizers when you're walking down the dating path.  I think Aaron Karo would be ashamed of both Emily'sWater Guy as well as mine.

Just another girl trying to be Carrie Bradshaw I suppose

After sending some friends some posts from the My Life on Match and More blog, they suggested I should also bring my online dating life to the blogosphere.  So, here I am.  Guess every single girl wants their Carrie Bradshaw moment and why not me?  Not to mention, I have some really great stories to share.