Been MIA for way too long

Obviously, I haven't posted in quite a while, but to be honest, all I do now is work.  I really thought work (or more accurately a job I hoped for, dreamed for, and ultimately got) would provide a total sense of self.  And it has to some degree.  When I was working for my family, I had little sense of self-worth in the professional way.  It's amazing how much a job defines you.  So, I thought when I achieved that part, the rest would follow.  And, it hasn't.

I really enjoyed blogging too, but that has also suffered with conference calls almost every evening between the hours of 7pm to 10pm.  You might wonder why I have calls at this hour, but I handle the Chinese and Japanese markets and they are exactly 12 and 13 hours the reverse of EST time.  My weekends have, therefore, become a haven of undisturbed me time.  The consequence is that I am overly tired and basically want to sleep the entire time.  The irony is that for the most part I like my job...I just want some balance, but I am unsure how to achieve it.  Working from home a couple days a week would help, but it wouldn't give back my social life during the week.

So, no hilarious stories to share, but I think I have a date tomorrow night with a Global Expansion Consultant who's first message on Ok Cupid was:

"I love the idea of lying on the couch with my girlfriend, asking "what do you want to do today?" and the answer being, "let's just go to the airport and decide there."

If that isn't my idea of perfection, I don't know what is.  So fingers crossed, it will be a great date and maybe the start of something more or at least a reboot of "My So-Called Dating Life".

Nothing like a 1 night stand to dull the pain...

Except when it ends in severe back pain and a urinary tract infection!  So, obviously, I haven't been a dating machine lately partly due to Mr. Big and partly due to the new job and partly due to the uglies that I've been contacted by lately.  Several of my friends have suggested that the job needs to go since the blog has suffered as a result...well that's not going to happen, but I do have some stories...


Several weeks ago, a friend of mine came to visit and brought Bill.  Neither slept Friday night and came directly to Charlotte Saturday morning and arrived around 9am.  We started drinking and talking...well at least my friend and I did.  Bill dosed in and out of consciousness from the drinking and lack of sleep.  We ended up going out in Charlotte.  Came back home and somehow Bill and I made out...nothing serious but it was entertaining considering I wasn't sure he was going to be conscious when the day started out.  This didn't end with the UTI, thank goodness.


Fast forward to this past weekend, I go to dinner with some friends and we go to a bar (not very exciting and very typical for a 30-something).  I end up talking with Mr. Pennsylvania and end up picking him up.  I haven't picked someone up at a bar in quite some time, so at first, I'm pleased with myself when we end up back at his place.  Then, the dance begins and we get down to business and I mean a lot of business.  So many times, in fact, that he says don't you ever get tired and are you going to be ready in the morning?  To which I reply, well we're already on the 5th time, I think I can handle another round in the morning or something to that effect.  Morning comes with a big headache and the "oh shit" realization of what the hell was I thinking, but we go at it AGAIN.  I think I am a super star until I get home and my back starts to hurt and my head hurts to boot.  I think hang over--whatever...Monday morning comes and my back is KILLING me (which for me is a tell tale sign that I have a UTI).  I have to leave work and go to the doctor to get drugs and have been laid up in bed until now, Tuesday night.  


My DC friend was texting me kudos on my conquest on Sunday saying a night of pleasure should certainly be worth the pain of a headache...while I'll give her that, I'm not sure a UTI is.  


Seems I tend to be regressing in my old age and apparently, my body just can't handle it anymore...but it's kind of nice to go back to the old fashioned way of doing things instead of dating online.

And I got a response....kind of!

Forwarded conversation
From: Mr. Big

Subject: I got your note.... 

-----------------------


I am somewhat limited to what I can say here because of where I am but I
didn't want to wait much longer.

My lack of response is because I have two very important and very busy
jobs - two jobs which I hate tremendously.  I work about 20 hours a day.
I sometimes don't have time to use the bathroom.  In the next few weeks
I will be in Philadelphia, Salt lake City, Columbia, SC, and Baltimore.
And, being on travel orders just makes me even more behind in my work.

Another reason is: I too have been thinking about us.  I'm not sure what
to do.  Bottom Line - The religion piece is very important to me.  That
is a show stopper.

I do love your family but that is not my sole motivation.

I will not taunt you or make empty promises again.  I know it is not
fair to you.  Its just me being stupid and unrealistic.

The war has changed me a great deal.  I made a huge effort to not let
that show.  I even tried to joke about it.  I can't tell you how
disgusted I am with the Army, the toxic leadership of generals in both
my jobs and how my life is overall.  I can't tell you the thoughts that
have crossed my mind about my life since I came back from the war.  I
can't remember when I've had a sound night's sleep.

It was not just the senseless violence, the incredible stress and the
overwhelming responsibility; it was (again) the terrible management and
leadership I had to endure.  And, then, many of my subordinates would
betray me with their disloyalty.  I spent more time answering complaints
from my Soldiers when I was only enforcing discipline and standards -
AND making them do their duty....making them....it was all very
sickening.

And, since I've been back here at the pentagon all I've seen is
misconduct and incompetence and I'm the one who gets nailed all the
time....more work, less time off and held accountable for things totally
out of my lane.  And more stupid generals and senior officials who won't
listen.  The other day I had a one star general talk to me like I was a
piece of crap.  I thought, if we were in a bar, and he talked to me like
that; I would've been convicted of manslaughter.

So, I have to make some decisions.  Unfortunately, those decisions have
to be weighed with regard to finances.  But, I want out.  I'm fed up.
Yet, I can't do anything else.  I hate my life.

One thing I'm going to stop is cotillion.  So, you won't have to worry
about me and the "fairly tale" anymore.

I don't want to give up my house so my job hunt will be around here at
first.  The idea of running a hunting business in NC is a stupid pipe
dream.

I think you are better off without me.  I'm 50 and I have very little
going for me.  I'll probably screw up any move I make so I'll have even
less going for me.

Thanks for reaching out.

Mr. Big

My Response

From: SoCalledDating

I know you work tremendously hard and travel a lot.  I would like to think I'm not that needy but getting a phone call or or at least an answer might be asking too much.  I'm actually very proud of you for this and know this makes you an excellent leader.

As for your bottom line, I am willing to convert to Catholicism given that it is very important to you.  I think fundamentally we have the same beliefs.  The Catholic church is a bit unfamiliar to me--I am willing to admit but open to exploring it.  You do, however, have to give me the option to do so.

I don't think you are being stupid and unrealistic...maybe just not willing to give me a chance...actually us a chance...I know you have changed considerably since the war.  I can't imagine what you've gone through nor will I pretend to.  All I can offer is that I am happy to listen and willing to support you based on what you deem fit.  Given that you are rather private, I still extend that I am always available to listen no matter what time of day.  

Whether or not you choose to come to Cotillion or not, you will always have a place at my family's table for Thanksgiving.  I hope my note did not give you the impression that I would create any discomfort in you attending.  I hope you know that I am not and will never be that sort of person unless you decide to kill my mother, Studie, or anyone I care about.

I think you have limited yourself in terms of your dreams.  Life is after all what we make it.  Some would say I was terribly wrong in hoping/expecting I would get my dream job in meshing China and marketing, yet I did.  

You underestimate yourself and do have a tremendous amount to give.  I am sorry that you hate your life so much.  I, naively perhaps, hoped I could give you a reason to not do so.

I think that we offer a lot to one another.  We both give each other tremendous laughter sometimes in spite of  the other and that is the spice of life.  Some how in the midst of it all, I believe we deeply care for each other's happiness.  I will do what I can to help you regain your happiness even if lacking now.   Beyond that, we do share similar interests...we can both be as fancy as they come and as down home as they can get.  

I will be in town the weekend of the 22nd visiting Ellen.  I know you will likely be out of town, but I did want to let you know and if you're in town, I'd love to see you.

Love,

So-Called Dating

Forwarded conversation
From: Mr. Big

Subject: I got your note.... 

-----------------------

I think you should just forget about me.

Mr. Big

My Response

From: SoCalledDating

Guess that's your way of saying your're not interested. Ok, I'll leave you alone

Forwarded conversation
Subject: I got your note.... 

-----------------------

From: Mr. Big

You don't understand.  Its not that I'm not interested.  My life is a
piece of crap.  I think you're better off.

My Response

From: SoCalledDating

Let me be the judge of what I'm better with or without. Again, I'll be
in town this weekend if you'd like to see me.

And as the finale, I got an "Out of Office Auto-response" saying he'd be on duty until the Monday after I got back from my trip to DC . I know this is tedious to read, but I've been back and forth and thought you'd like to go too...

And no response..

So if you read my last post, Seriously, Seriously, you know that I wrote a letter to The Colonel or my Mr. Big about a week ago.  Plenty of time, despite the horrendous snow we just received, for him to get the letter and respond.  Of course, as I should've known/guessed, I have not gotten a response.  Clearly, I am still pining a bit and hoping for a different outcome which does not make any sort of rational sense.  I hate that about relationships, liking someone, loving someone, etc.  They are not rational; feelings don't work the way you want them to despite any attempt to control them.  I do think you have some ability to control your level of happiness by focusing on positive thoughts and drugs help too ;)  The "like" or "love feeling, however, a bit more tricky.

With a positively boring weekend behind me...I was at home all weekend with my dog alone. Sad thing is I tried to make plans and I actually sabotaged my plans Friday night by falling asleep on the couch but I was exhausted.  Of course, when Saturday's plans fell through due to the flu of a friend and some serious car troubles of Non-Divorced guy, I wanted to kick myself for not getting the hell up on Friday.  There is nothing like being a single thirtysomething.  With the snow, I was snowed in yesterday and will be again today.  That's 4 days without much outside contact and way too much time to be alone with my thoughts.  This has led to some introspection especially regarding men.

What I've ruminated about is that I've almost always ended all of my relationships.  Then, afterwards, I wonder and/or pine about being with that person.  This is very much true with my last boyfriend in DC whom I found out this weekend got engaged over Christmas.  On one hand, in a very revenge-esque sort of way, yay for me for not being broke up with, but not really.  Or maybe, yay for me for recognizing deficiencies in relationships and acting accordingly or maybe, I really am a commitment-phobe.  This does lead back to full circle as Mr. Big is the one that has controlled and ended our relationship (if you can call it that) and maybe that's why I feel this sense of it not being complete and why I want it.  Ugh...

Some other funny thirtysomething things--I bought flowers for myself for the first time and felt at the same time pathetic and have really enjoyed them.

Part of the problem is is that I really thought by getting a job and moving into my own place, I would feel complete.  Yet, I still feel a sense of deficiency and not being complete.  Clearly, being in a relationship has its own issues and they are not all hunky dory.  Truth is, I am lonely and while my faithful pup, Fabes, is great,  he doesn't talk back.  This is, of course, more apparent as I haven't really had a conversation other than to say thanks to the grocery person in 2/3 days.  Ok, enough self pity and back to working from home alone....

Seriously, seriously

So due to the new job and holidays, I haven't exactly been flush with dates.  However, there has also been a SERIOUS decline in the quality of men on Match and Okcupid.  Then, there was that lapse back to the Old Loves.  Haven't heard much of anything from him except he wrote a letter to my parents.  Yep, that's right--he wrote to my parents stating that they were more like family than dear friends.  Sort of begs the question--is he really attracted to me or the fam?  So, I wrote him a letter (yes, handwritten) in return detailing my frustration of ten years of playing games.  I was bitchy or at least not terribly so.  What's also ironic is that he and I are featured front and center in my family's annual picture calendar in November.  Why is he already part of the fam but not with me???  I digress....back to the funny, sad, disturbing photos of some of the men checking me out lately...not exactly what I'm looking for as you will likely be able to tell...onto the picture show!

love the mullet!

is that almost his weeny??

yep, almost got a full frontal...eeekkkk!!!!

well, Guido doesn't do it for me either

So back to the game...on a side note, I went out with Non-Divorced guy before Christmas and actually told him about Mr. Big.  Funny thing--he's still asking me out.  Go figure.