I had my 4th date (or 5th depending if you count morning after breakfasts) with Non-Divorced Guy on Friday. We met at Flemings in downtown and chatted for over an hour before even ordering. I love this about NDG. We can talk and talk and talk some more. I think this is why I keep coming back even though I've been told that we can no longer sleep together even though we already have and that the last time I was at his house I saw on his refrigerator: his wedding pic with his former wife and not just one picture but 2 pictures plus some of her clothes are still there and her heels. Note: I was NOT snooping they were in plain view at the foot of the guest bed.
Both of these are pretty big drawbacks for me. One--it's not nice to be an Indian giver and two--it would appear he has still not let go of his marriage. On some level, I understand why he hasn't let go. His wife came home in November and announced after 9 years of marriage that she no longer wanted a husband, house, or cat. That would throw a major curve ball in my life plan too. However, I'm not sure I would get back on the date train so soon or before the ink had dried on the divorce papers which doesn't happen until November. I understand the natural inclination to get back in the saddle but...
The draw is the ability to have word vomit with this man. He mentioned he was pretty certain after I high-tailed it out of there the last time we went out (after seeing his ex's shoes and clothes) that it would be the last time. I proceeded to describe my NEED to escape after feeling like I was in another woman's house and that I was home wrecker. I also went on to discuss how my former best friend of 29 years is a total bitch after...well that is another story. All of the conversations we've had have been that way. They just flow and I can literally talk about anything as can he without there being weirdness. This has been what has always drawn me in while in other semi-successful relationships.
I tend to not have a filter at all. For example, when a great friend in college moved back to DC, I went over to see the new apartment and to meet her boyfriend (now husband). He opened the door, I walked in, and with a very Southern drawl said, "Holy fuck, oh my shit balls." Granted, it was an amazing apartment--lots of ornate woodwork, etc., but this was my first time meeting him! If you ask my opinion, you get honesty--sometimes it's brutal. That's just me. I don't apologize for it nor do I want to change it. It can make dating a little dicey though. The fact that I can just totally be myself with NDG is a big draw despite the drawbacks.
Another drawback: when we walked to the parking garage, he didn't walk me to my car. I am a big girl and clearly capable of walking myself, but his M.O. has always been Southern gentleman to the max. What happened?
And so... I know what happened.
ReplyDeleteNDG and his pseudo Ex have moved onto Relationship Purgatory. The place where relationships that were not a living hell go to linger. Relationship Purgatory is populated by souls that are too frightened to walk into the light of change. They are bound by the manacles of what was and shackled by the promise of what might have been.
NDG tested you to see if you were: A. The type of woman who would not put up with his passive aggressive shenanigans thereby forcing him to evaluate his relationship with his Ex or B. The type of woman who would freak out, but then come back - in my day we called her Rebound Chick - and accept being on the back burner while he tries to get his ex-wife back.
The traits you like in NDG are the the traits the Ex-wife misses. By walking out (and by the way, seriously you are almost 30, you know that NO ONE just walks out on the house, cat and relationship - there were signs he chose to ignore them) she can have the best parts of him, without having to put up with the parts of him that drove her to leave in the first place.
NDG sees you as Type B: Type B doesn't require the effort, and that includes the chivalry. If you continue to pursue this relationship as anything other than a PLATONIC weekday night coffee shop thing then not walking you to your car is the WELCOME sign above your own little corner of Relationship Purgatory... on clear days when the winds of change blow across the plateau of ruined chances, and the fog of his being a good listener lifts you will have a clear view of the Ex's underwear at the foot of the bed under the covers and great pictures of their exciting vacation on the nightstand.