I had a great date and....might be white trash

Last night, I went out with Mr. Man.  We met at a small pub that was semi-crowded and we talked and talked.  He's a native Charlottean (big points), is handy and can build things (love this), drives a truck (yes, I'm shallow but I love a big truck), and can carry on an intelligent conversation.  He lived in San Fran for a while and decided to come home because he missed his family and good old fashioned Southern hospitality.  This strikes a serious chord with me.  It is so nice to not have to explain why NC is wonderful and why I love it here.  It's also super to not be considered a hick and backward for feeling that way.

Part of what made the conversation interesting was that he was interesting.  His life has definitely not been a linear, ordinary series of steps.  There have been several curve balls thrown into the mix.  He didn't go to college right after high school and in the process got a girl pregnant.  So, he has a 15 year old son.  He played pro-racquetball and that led to a full ride at college to play.  Unfortunately, a serious injury cut that short which led him to San Fran.  When he moved back to the South, he moved to Myrtle Beach and ended up getting married.  That ended in divorce when they moved back to Charlotte.  He and his father have been running a remodeling company (hence, the ability to build/make things) and during that started a vineyard.  He's entrepreneurial.  This is so hot!

It probably doesn't sound terribly fascinating to read the run down, but during the date, there were stories interspersed within the facts.  And I am a sucker for a story.  Everyone that I've dated has been a story teller and not the lying kind.  I've enjoyed listening to people spin tales for as long as I can remember.  When I was a kid, I used to make my mom tell me over and over the story of my old dad, her, and I road tripping it to Maine and camping along the way.  I was 9 months old during this adventure.  We slept in campgrounds in our bright orange International Scout.  After the first night of me taking over the "bed" in the back.  They arranged a pallet for me in the front seat.  One night, my mom got sick and was running to bathroom; my dad got up to check on me and I was gone...he screamed for my mom but there was more pressing matters for her.  However, he could hear me crying.  After searching, he found me lodged under the brake and the clutch in the driver floorboard.  I still make my mom tell me this story to this day.  Random side note...sorry...

Back to the date, he walked me to my car and we kissed.  Then, the kissing got a little heavier; then, I was up against the car making out.  I was parked next to the service elevator exit...so several times there were people that popped out and got a full view of us making out against the car.  We got a few comments and snickers.  Here comes even more white trash....he gets into the car and well, it was high school all over again.  PG make out was on full force in the car and it was great!  I'll spare you the details but we went to 2nd base.  Not classy and probably a guarantee I won't get a 2nd date, but it was fun.  At least, I didn't go all the way in the car!

The really great part was I felt like I got my mojo back.  I've previously talked about losing it in As I Approach 30. Yes, I've "gotten some" since I wrote that, but there's just something about making out like a horny teenager that felt awesome.  So we'll see if my faux pas means I don't get a second date or not...

On another note,  isn't there something ironic about him having a 15 year old and then him making out in a car like a 15 year old...that gave me a giggle...

There is no "I" in "We"

I've been pondering a lot lately about relationships, dating, etc but mostly about the relationship part.  Yes, this is a big fat duh considering I blog about these things, but something has struck me recently.  I used to be the girl that always had a boyfriend and a serious one at that.  My first serious boyfriend was in high school.  We tried to make it work in college.  That obviously didn't work, but I already had someone lined up (yes, I was and/or maybe still am that girl).  College guy #1 was an emotional wreck as was I but he also hurt me and yes, I mean physically.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to walk away before anything really serious happened.  And again, another boyfriend appeared within weeks and we dated until after college when he broke up with me on my 22nd birthday.  I again had someone lined up to take his place and 3 weeks after the "birthday" break up, we were serious.  I even thought we would get married....we lived together and got along very well except in the bedroom.  But that's another story for another time.  Then, I moved home to North Carolina to go to grad school.


The point is I was almost always part of a "we" from the time I was 16 until I was 26.  During in the short period of times I was unattached in between those relationships, I dated (loosely used) and actually liked it.  I really liked meeting new people and having some random one nights stands.  I even liked it when I started doing online dating back in 2006.  Sure, it can be nerve wracking to meet a stranger and see what happens.  It's obviously NOT fun when the guys are douches most notably: The Water Guy and the Anti-Southerner.  But there have been some good dates; there, however, have been no boyfriends or engagements.  Which is ok--I'm not going to kill myself if I'm not married within the next year.  What the problem is is that I have forgotten totally forgotten how to even think of myself in a relationship or how to even react/consider the possibility.  I have gone into super selfish mode due to the lack of having to consider anyone at all in my decision making...other than my precious cocker, Fabian.  I don't even really consider the possibility of the dates I go on going anywhere or think about if they'll be a next date.  Normally, I've already scheduled dates for 2 weeks out so even if I met Mr. Wonderful and he wanted to spend the next several nights together it would take serious rearranging.  Not trying to brag--it actually shows an inability to connect emotionally or that I'm extraordinarily picky.  I wonder if subconsciously I've started to consider the dating game solely a numbers game.  The whole you have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find the prince mentality.  I'm not particularly sure how to get out of this rut and mentality.  I thought writing would help me process, but alas I'm still lost.

Word vomit or Why I Like Non-Divorced Guy

I had my 4th date (or 5th depending if you count morning after breakfasts) with Non-Divorced Guy on Friday. We met at Flemings in downtown and chatted for over an hour before even ordering.  I love this about NDG.  We can talk and talk and talk some more.  I think this is why I keep coming back even though I've been told that we can no longer sleep together even though we already have and that the last time I was at his house I saw on his refrigerator: his wedding pic with his former wife and not just one picture but 2 pictures plus some of her clothes are still there and her heels.  Note: I was NOT snooping they were in plain view at the foot of the guest bed.


Both of these are pretty big drawbacks for me.  One--it's not nice to be an Indian giver and two--it would appear he has still not let go of his marriage.  On some level, I understand why he hasn't let go.  His wife came home in November and announced after 9 years of marriage that she no longer wanted a husband, house, or cat.  That would throw a major curve ball in my life plan too.  However, I'm not sure I would get back on the date train so soon or before the ink had dried on the divorce papers which doesn't happen until November.  I understand the natural inclination to get back in the saddle but...


The draw is the ability to have word vomit with this man.  He mentioned he was pretty certain after I high-tailed it out of there the last time we went out (after seeing his ex's shoes and clothes) that it would be the last time.  I proceeded to describe my NEED to escape after feeling like I was in another woman's house and that I was home wrecker.  I also went on to discuss how my former best friend of 29 years is a total bitch after...well that is another story.  All of the conversations we've had have been that way.  They just flow and I can literally talk about anything as can he without there being weirdness.  This has been what has always drawn me in while in other semi-successful relationships.  


I tend to not have a filter at all.  For example, when a great friend in college moved back to DC, I went over to see the new apartment and to meet her boyfriend (now husband).  He opened the door, I walked in, and with a very Southern drawl said, "Holy fuck, oh my shit balls."  Granted, it was an amazing apartment--lots of ornate woodwork, etc., but this was my first time meeting him!  If you ask my opinion, you get honesty--sometimes it's brutal.  That's just me.  I don't apologize for it nor do I want to change it.  It can make dating a little dicey though.  The fact that I can just totally be myself with NDG is a big draw despite the drawbacks.  


Another drawback: when we walked to the parking garage, he didn't walk me to my car.  I am a big girl and clearly capable of walking myself, but his M.O. has always been Southern gentleman to the max.  What happened?

The Southern Gentleman or Not

I have a great personality and am a southern gentleman. I def know how to treat a women in and out of the bedroom. 


In light of my last post on old-fashioned dating, I thought I would share my thoughts on the above line I received in an email.  What sort of proper Southern gentleman states he knows how to treat a woman in and out of the bedroom? Also, why do you have say this sort of thing?  Shouldn't this be something that one finds out over the course of time and after you've started to hooking up?  If you have to state this, I'm pretty confident you probably SUCK.  The same goes for stating you have a great personality.  I feel like this is something that should shown not told.  Maybe it was being told this one too many times in English class, but generally speaking, if you have to announce such things, they are likely not very true.


Ok, just had to rant.

Why girls shouldn't like sports or Why don't you go back to where you came from?

A while back I went on this date and prior to the actual date, I really thought this particular date was going to go exceedingly well.  We both had our MBAs; we both had lived in China.  Not to mention, from the emails and phone calls, it seemed we were on the same page: looking for similar things, wanted the same things out of life, enjoyed traveling, being active, etc.

We scheduled our date for a Friday night at 8:30pm.  It was during the the 2009 NCAA Championship and Carolina was playing LSU.  I thought: Perfect, I can watch the game, then I can go on the date and not be distracted.  Around 7:15pm, the game was tied and looked like it might go into overtime.  I immediately texted the guy and said, "Might be 5 minutes late.  UNC and LSU are tied and the game might go into overtime." As soon as I hit send, the phone rings.  It's him--clearly annoyed, asking if we should re-schedule, and ranting about how watching sports is stupid--he only plays sports, doesn't watch.  This should have been a signal to CANCEL and run for the hills.  I say, "No, no, just wanted to let you know.  We're still on and I should be there at 830.  Just wanted to give you a heads up."

Game ends; Carolina wins (YAY!).  I show up 5 minutes early and text him to tell him I'm waiting at the bar.  I get a text back saying he hasn't even left his house yet....WHAT!  He calls the restaurant and asks the maitre d' to send over a fancy cocktail on his behalf and tell me he's sorry for being late.  It was a nice gesture, but really why haven't you left the house at 830pm??  He arrives at 8:50.  That's right--20 minutes late.  We order drinks and start chatting.

He goes on again about how he doesn't understand people that watch sports.  What's the point of watching and not playing?  Well, I'm a die hard UNC fan and watch almost every game.  This sort of logic just doesn't make sense to me but whatever.  College basketball is a big deal in North Carolina just like football is huge in Texas.  Southerners just have a things for watching sports, I guess.  I mention this fact and this takes the conversation on a turn for the worst.  A little background: he's from upstate New York, lived in NYC, went to Columbia, and moved here for work.  I'm originally from NC, lived in DC for 8 years, and moved back to NC in 2006.

Bringing up Southern heritage or likes and dislikes, boy, did it get him started on a rampage.  He starts with all Southerners are back stabbing assholes and yes, he did say all (aren't I one and didn't YOU ask ME on a date).  His reasoning is that we have this fabulous saying "bless your heart".  Now, I will admit sometimes "bless your heart" is followed by something not so kind and Southerners tend to not be so direct.  We do, however, say hello to you walking down the street (I got strange looks for this in DC) and if anything goes wrong (someone dying, etc), we will fill your house full of food.  You get the good and bad...just like with Yankees.  He continues to lambaste North Carolina, the South, and me.  He hates it here, it's too slow, people are too fake, people are ignorant, and on and on and on.  I'm offended but decide to be the proper Southern belle I was raised and don't knock him out.

Then, it is time to order dinner.  Obviously, it's March Madness and therefore Lent season.  I give up meat and dairy for Lent (fasting).  It's a little extreme but I like to do it (like might be a little strong but...).  We're discussing what to order and I mention this.  He then starts to attack my religious beliefs.  First, he asks if I am really religious.  I say no, but I feel a sense of accomplishment after 40 days of fasting and I sure think about God every time I want to eat.  Apparently, this answer isn't good enough.  Why would I waste my time fasting if I don't attend church regularly?  God, doesn't really care if you fast or not.  Lent isn't so terribly important and really, you just shouldn't do this.  By this time, I am extremely offended.  I am not Baptist and I am not a snake handler.  In fact, I don't particularly care for organized religion in general.  However, I do make a personal choice during Lent and I think it brings me closer to the man upstairs.

Dinner comes; we eat.  As soon as we finish, he asks for the check and pays.  It is now 9:40pm.  He says thanks, shakes my hand, and walks out of the restaurant.  Yep, that's right.  One of the shortest dates ever (50 minutes) and the entirety of which was spent telling me that my heritage and where we both live is wrong/backwards/backstabbing and I wasn't religious enough in the proper way or manner and my choices were stupid.

If you hate the South and North Carolina so much, then GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!  We didn't ask you to move here.  In fact, your kind is taking away or diluting many of the things that we love about the South.  This is a little harsh and really only meant for him.  I have many friends that aren't Southern and are extremely lovely.  His tirade, however, literally almost made me forget all of my manners and start the "War of Northern Aggression" all over again.

P.S. A year later, he requests to be my contact on Linked In stating we are friends.  Did I miss something?  If I'm a back-stabbing, ignorant, "bless your heart" saying Southerner, why do you want to connect?