There is no "I" in "We"

I've been pondering a lot lately about relationships, dating, etc but mostly about the relationship part.  Yes, this is a big fat duh considering I blog about these things, but something has struck me recently.  I used to be the girl that always had a boyfriend and a serious one at that.  My first serious boyfriend was in high school.  We tried to make it work in college.  That obviously didn't work, but I already had someone lined up (yes, I was and/or maybe still am that girl).  College guy #1 was an emotional wreck as was I but he also hurt me and yes, I mean physically.  Fortunately, I was smart enough to walk away before anything really serious happened.  And again, another boyfriend appeared within weeks and we dated until after college when he broke up with me on my 22nd birthday.  I again had someone lined up to take his place and 3 weeks after the "birthday" break up, we were serious.  I even thought we would get married....we lived together and got along very well except in the bedroom.  But that's another story for another time.  Then, I moved home to North Carolina to go to grad school.


The point is I was almost always part of a "we" from the time I was 16 until I was 26.  During in the short period of times I was unattached in between those relationships, I dated (loosely used) and actually liked it.  I really liked meeting new people and having some random one nights stands.  I even liked it when I started doing online dating back in 2006.  Sure, it can be nerve wracking to meet a stranger and see what happens.  It's obviously NOT fun when the guys are douches most notably: The Water Guy and the Anti-Southerner.  But there have been some good dates; there, however, have been no boyfriends or engagements.  Which is ok--I'm not going to kill myself if I'm not married within the next year.  What the problem is is that I have forgotten totally forgotten how to even think of myself in a relationship or how to even react/consider the possibility.  I have gone into super selfish mode due to the lack of having to consider anyone at all in my decision making...other than my precious cocker, Fabian.  I don't even really consider the possibility of the dates I go on going anywhere or think about if they'll be a next date.  Normally, I've already scheduled dates for 2 weeks out so even if I met Mr. Wonderful and he wanted to spend the next several nights together it would take serious rearranging.  Not trying to brag--it actually shows an inability to connect emotionally or that I'm extraordinarily picky.  I wonder if subconsciously I've started to consider the dating game solely a numbers game.  The whole you have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find the prince mentality.  I'm not particularly sure how to get out of this rut and mentality.  I thought writing would help me process, but alas I'm still lost.

Boring Dates and Bad Habits

I had another date last Thursday with Mr. Boring.  We had emailed, chatted, and from his profile he seemed interesting enough:  into travel , experiencing new things, etc.  Upon first encounter, I thought holy crap, he looks exactly like a guy friend from college that was a friend with benefits occasionally.  For my college friends reading--not Jersey Lito but Virginia Jew.  I thought if he's anything like Virginia Jew, we'll have a fab time.  Then, he sat down and starting looking around...I mean everywhere but me.  There was virtually NO eye contact.  I hate this more than anything.  I am reasonably attractive and you asked me out, therefore, you should pay attention to me.  This is not too much to ask.


Then, there was the conversation.  I, personally, am really into stories (this is probably obvious since I write a blog full of them).  I like to hear other people's stories not just my own. I think it is not only entertaining but also usually offers insight into who that person is, where they came from, and what sort of commonalities we might have.  This guy had zero.  The only close call was him mentioning he hated going into downtown Charlotte because everyone tries to fight him there.  There wasn't anything to demonstrate that this was the case.  He just stated it as fact.  Frankly, I think that shows either you are extremely insecure or you're paranoid.  


He then mentions that he has to wake up at 4am on Friday mornings and therefore has to go to bed at 9pm.  Guess we're having a short date...why did you plan something for Thursday then?


Moving on, I come to find out his father passed away 5 years ago.  Not the greatest of topics to venture upon, but my father passed away when I was 3.  So, I think maybe this could be a commonality.  Again, nothing.  (Note:  I totally recognize that talking about the death of a loved one is A) not something you really want to talk about on a 1st date B) not something you want to talk with a stranger about C) I have a lot more years between the death and now --so I'm a little more open)


Then, exercise and sports come up.  He hates and does not participate in either.  Am I in the Twilight Zone here?  What guy doesn't like exercise or sports?  I am not an exercise fanatic by any stretch, but I enjoy hiking, dancing, and being active.  He basically stated he didn't like to get off the couch.  Huh-what?  Fortunately, for him, he has to have an amazing metabolism because he was pretty skinny.  And doesn't like sports????  What do you do in the Fall (football) and Spring (basketball--hello March Madness, my favorite)?  At this point, it is pretty clear we have nada in common.  Thank goodness he has to go to bed soon.


So, we leave.  It's 8pm and I'm hungry and very bored.  This is when the bad habits kick in.  If a date is particularly bad or boring, I usually take myself on a date immediately after.  Nothing fancy usually, but this can get to be expensive after a while.  So off to a local restaurant near my house I go and promptly order a glass of wine and dinner.  On some level, I suppose it is a good thing that I am comfortable enough to go out alone, but I hate having to treat myself after going on a date where I was supposed to be treated.  


Guess on to the next one that hopefully will not end with me dining solo.