And no response..

So if you read my last post, Seriously, Seriously, you know that I wrote a letter to The Colonel or my Mr. Big about a week ago.  Plenty of time, despite the horrendous snow we just received, for him to get the letter and respond.  Of course, as I should've known/guessed, I have not gotten a response.  Clearly, I am still pining a bit and hoping for a different outcome which does not make any sort of rational sense.  I hate that about relationships, liking someone, loving someone, etc.  They are not rational; feelings don't work the way you want them to despite any attempt to control them.  I do think you have some ability to control your level of happiness by focusing on positive thoughts and drugs help too ;)  The "like" or "love feeling, however, a bit more tricky.

With a positively boring weekend behind me...I was at home all weekend with my dog alone. Sad thing is I tried to make plans and I actually sabotaged my plans Friday night by falling asleep on the couch but I was exhausted.  Of course, when Saturday's plans fell through due to the flu of a friend and some serious car troubles of Non-Divorced guy, I wanted to kick myself for not getting the hell up on Friday.  There is nothing like being a single thirtysomething.  With the snow, I was snowed in yesterday and will be again today.  That's 4 days without much outside contact and way too much time to be alone with my thoughts.  This has led to some introspection especially regarding men.

What I've ruminated about is that I've almost always ended all of my relationships.  Then, afterwards, I wonder and/or pine about being with that person.  This is very much true with my last boyfriend in DC whom I found out this weekend got engaged over Christmas.  On one hand, in a very revenge-esque sort of way, yay for me for not being broke up with, but not really.  Or maybe, yay for me for recognizing deficiencies in relationships and acting accordingly or maybe, I really am a commitment-phobe.  This does lead back to full circle as Mr. Big is the one that has controlled and ended our relationship (if you can call it that) and maybe that's why I feel this sense of it not being complete and why I want it.  Ugh...

Some other funny thirtysomething things--I bought flowers for myself for the first time and felt at the same time pathetic and have really enjoyed them.

Part of the problem is is that I really thought by getting a job and moving into my own place, I would feel complete.  Yet, I still feel a sense of deficiency and not being complete.  Clearly, being in a relationship has its own issues and they are not all hunky dory.  Truth is, I am lonely and while my faithful pup, Fabes, is great,  he doesn't talk back.  This is, of course, more apparent as I haven't really had a conversation other than to say thanks to the grocery person in 2/3 days.  Ok, enough self pity and back to working from home alone....

The Alone Part of Being Single

Obviously in being single, one can tend to spend a significant portion of time alone.  This is particularly the case when one lives alone as I do.  I'm not a hermit by any means.  I date a fair amount and go out with friends, but there are many evenings that consist of just me, myself, and I plus my cute pup, Fabes.  I was raised as an only child and typically the alone factor isn't a big deal.  I've perfected the ability to entertain myself and, at times, crave solitude.  These cravings generally come after people filled weekends/time periods.  


There are times, however, when "the alone factor" sucks:


-Dinner time-I hate cooking for one and tend to avoid doing it.  There is simply no joy (for me at least) in preparing and eating at home by myself.  This leads to lots of eating out which can get expensive and isn't quite as healthy (given where I live) as I would like.
-I typically don't mind eating out alone and got pretty good at it after living in China on my own....Except when  your waitress looks at you with pity and says, "Can I get you a newspaper or something?"


SIDE BAR- I hate when I take myself out to eat and the food (specifically in this instance, spaghetti carbonara) that I make is better than the restaurant's.  Grrrr...but I hate cooking for one!


-When your mom poignantly asks, "You're going to the mountains alone for the night...by yourself?"  Yes, mom, we are in the 21st century and I can travel alone.  Yes, mom, don't you remember I moved to China twice by myself...so why is driving an hour and a half to the mountains by myself weird?  Last time, I checked mountain folk speak English and it's close--not nearly as strange as moving to China without a job, apartment, pretty much anything except my suitcase.  That didn't freak her out but going hiking and wandering in the NC mountains with my dog is somehow not alright.  


I'm 30 without a boyfriend or husband that means if I want to do something either I do it alone or I find a friend.  Finding a friend, however, is easier said than done--no offense to my dear, dear friends that live close and read this.  I realize they have their own lives and plans that don't always coincide with my whims.  So in being single, you sometimes have 2 options:  1) stay at home and do nothing (yuck!) 2) go out and do it by yourself.  I normally choose the latter unless I'm being lazy...I do love my couch.  I'd so much rather do stuff even if it is by myself than end up being a hermit and waiting for someone to ask me to do something or hoping that I can find a friend.