And no response..

So if you read my last post, Seriously, Seriously, you know that I wrote a letter to The Colonel or my Mr. Big about a week ago.  Plenty of time, despite the horrendous snow we just received, for him to get the letter and respond.  Of course, as I should've known/guessed, I have not gotten a response.  Clearly, I am still pining a bit and hoping for a different outcome which does not make any sort of rational sense.  I hate that about relationships, liking someone, loving someone, etc.  They are not rational; feelings don't work the way you want them to despite any attempt to control them.  I do think you have some ability to control your level of happiness by focusing on positive thoughts and drugs help too ;)  The "like" or "love feeling, however, a bit more tricky.

With a positively boring weekend behind me...I was at home all weekend with my dog alone. Sad thing is I tried to make plans and I actually sabotaged my plans Friday night by falling asleep on the couch but I was exhausted.  Of course, when Saturday's plans fell through due to the flu of a friend and some serious car troubles of Non-Divorced guy, I wanted to kick myself for not getting the hell up on Friday.  There is nothing like being a single thirtysomething.  With the snow, I was snowed in yesterday and will be again today.  That's 4 days without much outside contact and way too much time to be alone with my thoughts.  This has led to some introspection especially regarding men.

What I've ruminated about is that I've almost always ended all of my relationships.  Then, afterwards, I wonder and/or pine about being with that person.  This is very much true with my last boyfriend in DC whom I found out this weekend got engaged over Christmas.  On one hand, in a very revenge-esque sort of way, yay for me for not being broke up with, but not really.  Or maybe, yay for me for recognizing deficiencies in relationships and acting accordingly or maybe, I really am a commitment-phobe.  This does lead back to full circle as Mr. Big is the one that has controlled and ended our relationship (if you can call it that) and maybe that's why I feel this sense of it not being complete and why I want it.  Ugh...

Some other funny thirtysomething things--I bought flowers for myself for the first time and felt at the same time pathetic and have really enjoyed them.

Part of the problem is is that I really thought by getting a job and moving into my own place, I would feel complete.  Yet, I still feel a sense of deficiency and not being complete.  Clearly, being in a relationship has its own issues and they are not all hunky dory.  Truth is, I am lonely and while my faithful pup, Fabes, is great,  he doesn't talk back.  This is, of course, more apparent as I haven't really had a conversation other than to say thanks to the grocery person in 2/3 days.  Ok, enough self pity and back to working from home alone....

Seriously, seriously

So due to the new job and holidays, I haven't exactly been flush with dates.  However, there has also been a SERIOUS decline in the quality of men on Match and Okcupid.  Then, there was that lapse back to the Old Loves.  Haven't heard much of anything from him except he wrote a letter to my parents.  Yep, that's right--he wrote to my parents stating that they were more like family than dear friends.  Sort of begs the question--is he really attracted to me or the fam?  So, I wrote him a letter (yes, handwritten) in return detailing my frustration of ten years of playing games.  I was bitchy or at least not terribly so.  What's also ironic is that he and I are featured front and center in my family's annual picture calendar in November.  Why is he already part of the fam but not with me???  I digress....back to the funny, sad, disturbing photos of some of the men checking me out lately...not exactly what I'm looking for as you will likely be able to tell...onto the picture show!

love the mullet!

is that almost his weeny??

yep, almost got a full frontal...eeekkkk!!!!

well, Guido doesn't do it for me either

So back to the game...on a side note, I went out with Non-Divorced guy before Christmas and actually told him about Mr. Big.  Funny thing--he's still asking me out.  Go figure.