Pen Pal Purgatory

You know when you were little and got a pen pal.  It was fun.  I actually had several friends that I met on vacation with my parents in the Bahamas and we became GREAT friends all through the written word.  I am also still friends with one such childhood friend through Facebook.  Got to love Facebook for that reason alone.


In fact, I still truly enjoy writing hand written letters.  I think it is the most personal form of communication not involving touching.  I used to write letters to several friends and family members during MBA school as a way to procrastinate and it was wonderful getting them in return.  Clearly, in today's fast paced society, letters have been shoved by the wayside and email, twitter, facebook, IMing, and (a while back) myspace have replaced them.  I enjoy the new alternative forms of communication and use them regularly.  However, as I've mentioned previously, Facebook is not your dating friend.


I also believe that while dating sites can enable you to meet interesting people and perhaps a true love, they can also create a purgatory type situation.  Obviously, no one wants to go out with every person that happens to look at their profile including me, definitely me--cause some are NASTY.  Emailing one another enables you to in a way "get to know one another".  This usually leads to IMing or chatting on the phone.  Eventually, this should lead to a live, meet in person date.


Sometimes, however, this doesn't happen.  I've had several instances of the guy continuously emailing, getting my number, suggesting plans, but really, it continues into email and text purgatory.  Long emails, long texts or short email/texts with hey what's up?  Do some people join dating sites just to chat online and never meet in person?  Ick.

Boring Dates and Bad Habits

I had another date last Thursday with Mr. Boring.  We had emailed, chatted, and from his profile he seemed interesting enough:  into travel , experiencing new things, etc.  Upon first encounter, I thought holy crap, he looks exactly like a guy friend from college that was a friend with benefits occasionally.  For my college friends reading--not Jersey Lito but Virginia Jew.  I thought if he's anything like Virginia Jew, we'll have a fab time.  Then, he sat down and starting looking around...I mean everywhere but me.  There was virtually NO eye contact.  I hate this more than anything.  I am reasonably attractive and you asked me out, therefore, you should pay attention to me.  This is not too much to ask.


Then, there was the conversation.  I, personally, am really into stories (this is probably obvious since I write a blog full of them).  I like to hear other people's stories not just my own. I think it is not only entertaining but also usually offers insight into who that person is, where they came from, and what sort of commonalities we might have.  This guy had zero.  The only close call was him mentioning he hated going into downtown Charlotte because everyone tries to fight him there.  There wasn't anything to demonstrate that this was the case.  He just stated it as fact.  Frankly, I think that shows either you are extremely insecure or you're paranoid.  


He then mentions that he has to wake up at 4am on Friday mornings and therefore has to go to bed at 9pm.  Guess we're having a short date...why did you plan something for Thursday then?


Moving on, I come to find out his father passed away 5 years ago.  Not the greatest of topics to venture upon, but my father passed away when I was 3.  So, I think maybe this could be a commonality.  Again, nothing.  (Note:  I totally recognize that talking about the death of a loved one is A) not something you really want to talk about on a 1st date B) not something you want to talk with a stranger about C) I have a lot more years between the death and now --so I'm a little more open)


Then, exercise and sports come up.  He hates and does not participate in either.  Am I in the Twilight Zone here?  What guy doesn't like exercise or sports?  I am not an exercise fanatic by any stretch, but I enjoy hiking, dancing, and being active.  He basically stated he didn't like to get off the couch.  Huh-what?  Fortunately, for him, he has to have an amazing metabolism because he was pretty skinny.  And doesn't like sports????  What do you do in the Fall (football) and Spring (basketball--hello March Madness, my favorite)?  At this point, it is pretty clear we have nada in common.  Thank goodness he has to go to bed soon.


So, we leave.  It's 8pm and I'm hungry and very bored.  This is when the bad habits kick in.  If a date is particularly bad or boring, I usually take myself on a date immediately after.  Nothing fancy usually, but this can get to be expensive after a while.  So off to a local restaurant near my house I go and promptly order a glass of wine and dinner.  On some level, I suppose it is a good thing that I am comfortable enough to go out alone, but I hate having to treat myself after going on a date where I was supposed to be treated.  


Guess on to the next one that hopefully will not end with me dining solo.

I Washed My Hair for This

I went out with a guy on Monday and it was a pretty unremarkable date.  There wasn't any harassment like I received from Mr. Total Yankee Asshole  or The Water Guy.  This is obviously always a plus.  Getting ripped a new one about your religious beliefs or being told that your native region sucks is never fun.  Bad dates do, however, provide material for the blog and can sometimes give me a good laugh.  


Monday's date, like I said, was unremarkable.  He was a nice guy--very much the stereotypical engineer which he is.  Very tucked in collared shirt, nice pants, and pointy leather shoes.  


Back story:
I've been working to try to and get my family's business' network up and running since our building was struck by lightening on Saturday.  The lightening strike also knocked out and killed our AC.  I live in Charlotte--it's been 100 degrees since May.  So crawling around on the floor, playing with modems and cables, and re-setting up the local area network without AC has been AWFUL.  Needless to say, I had to shower before going on the date...so I washed my hair, blew it out, the whole nine yards.  I looked very pretty or at least I think so.


So for a date to be just ho-hum and me to have invested time in getting ready, I hate that.  I have another date tomorrow night and I have a feeling it's going to be rather bland as well.  I don't really have any basis for this conclusion.  The emails were pretty entertaining but the phone convo wasn't the best.  He's also an E-harmony match and I just don't have much confidence in their "matching" system.  So we'll see.  Just not particularly excited to A) go through another without AC resulting in me sweating to DEATH B) coming home to rectify the sweat damage by showering and blowing out my hair to result in an evening of general boredom....

Word vomit or Why I Like Non-Divorced Guy

I had my 4th date (or 5th depending if you count morning after breakfasts) with Non-Divorced Guy on Friday. We met at Flemings in downtown and chatted for over an hour before even ordering.  I love this about NDG.  We can talk and talk and talk some more.  I think this is why I keep coming back even though I've been told that we can no longer sleep together even though we already have and that the last time I was at his house I saw on his refrigerator: his wedding pic with his former wife and not just one picture but 2 pictures plus some of her clothes are still there and her heels.  Note: I was NOT snooping they were in plain view at the foot of the guest bed.


Both of these are pretty big drawbacks for me.  One--it's not nice to be an Indian giver and two--it would appear he has still not let go of his marriage.  On some level, I understand why he hasn't let go.  His wife came home in November and announced after 9 years of marriage that she no longer wanted a husband, house, or cat.  That would throw a major curve ball in my life plan too.  However, I'm not sure I would get back on the date train so soon or before the ink had dried on the divorce papers which doesn't happen until November.  I understand the natural inclination to get back in the saddle but...


The draw is the ability to have word vomit with this man.  He mentioned he was pretty certain after I high-tailed it out of there the last time we went out (after seeing his ex's shoes and clothes) that it would be the last time.  I proceeded to describe my NEED to escape after feeling like I was in another woman's house and that I was home wrecker.  I also went on to discuss how my former best friend of 29 years is a total bitch after...well that is another story.  All of the conversations we've had have been that way.  They just flow and I can literally talk about anything as can he without there being weirdness.  This has been what has always drawn me in while in other semi-successful relationships.  


I tend to not have a filter at all.  For example, when a great friend in college moved back to DC, I went over to see the new apartment and to meet her boyfriend (now husband).  He opened the door, I walked in, and with a very Southern drawl said, "Holy fuck, oh my shit balls."  Granted, it was an amazing apartment--lots of ornate woodwork, etc., but this was my first time meeting him!  If you ask my opinion, you get honesty--sometimes it's brutal.  That's just me.  I don't apologize for it nor do I want to change it.  It can make dating a little dicey though.  The fact that I can just totally be myself with NDG is a big draw despite the drawbacks.  


Another drawback: when we walked to the parking garage, he didn't walk me to my car.  I am a big girl and clearly capable of walking myself, but his M.O. has always been Southern gentleman to the max.  What happened?

Date Overload

My friends often make fun of me because I tend to have lots of dates--like 2 or 3 a week.  One married friend calls me out on it a lot.  Some are repeats; some are newbies.  I don't like to think of myself as a serial dater, but I suppose that on some level that is exactly what I am.  In fact, I don't want to be a serial dater.  I would like to find a boyfriend and have in progress into marriage, babies, white picket fence, the works.  I think however, I have forgotten a) how to be a girlfriend and b) how to have a relationship.  It should be something like riding a bike in that you never forget.  However, I'm pretty sure if I tried to ride a bike now, I would hurt myself.  So have I become a serial dater because I'm scared of getting hurt and I'm out of practice or because I just haven't met the right guy?  Hmmm...


So date overload for this week:


1.  Concert last night with super sweet boy that asked to kiss me last week.  Counting Crows was amazing!!  It also involved meeting his friends.  Given that I'm friendly and personable, apparently, I won big points in the friend department according to Mr. Sweet.  They are big fans.  I also got my shoulders rubbed while listening to the band and let me tell you--I REALLY miss this part of steady relationships.  Being touched and I don't mean in a sexual way is AWESOME.  I don't think my shoulders have been rubbed in...well what feels like forever.  Big points for Mr. Sweet!


2.  Date #4 with Non-Divorced Guy #2, Mr. DAC is tomorrow.  I'm still a little unsure of how in the hell to proceed with this one.  It will probably involve him telling me again that we shouldn't/can't make out and then him proceeding to make out with me all night.  At least this time, I won't have to see his future ex-wife's shit lying about which still totally freaks me out.


3.  Date with a newbie.  Meeting at a Wine bar in Charlotte on Monday.  Looking forward to it--emails are witty and humorous and don't go on and on about being an open book.  I kind of think if you have to say you're an open book then you're hiding something.  Guess it goes back to that whole SHOW don't TELL thing I mentioned in The Southern Gentleman or Not post.  


Even after just writing about these dates, I'm exhausted.  Wish me luck on my adventures!

As I Approach 30

As I approach 30 (in 34 days to be exact), I've started to notice some things of which I'm just not a very big fan.  I'm not entirely sure they have anything to do with actually turning 30, but they certainly have to do with getting older.  I thought I would share.

1. What is up with the random inexplicable pains?
1. My knees hurt all the time.  It hurts to squat to pee for Pete's sake.  What the hell is this about?
2. I get random aches in random places.  For example, my shoulder/arm starting hurting yesterday every time I lifted it and it still does.  Where did this come from?  I haven't played tennis or done any other strenuous activity...

·         Ironically (or in spite of), I used to make fun of my mother and grandmother for complaining about various aches and pains.  

2. My sex drive is at an all time low.  Very strange for the girl that was ready at all times just a few short years ago.
3. I hate exercise now.  I’ve never HATED it—might not have loved it but I did things I enjoyed.  Now the motivation is GONE.  (Side note—took ballet and dance for 15 years, used to go to the gym daily, took my dog on long walks, etc)
4. I feel like babies are some unrealistic distant dream as is a husband.
5. I compare myself a lot more to my friends.  This I hate—I’ve never been competitive but there continues to be this nagging feeling I am not measuring up: haven’t gotten established in my career yet, although I owned my own home from 18-26, I no longer do, and again no husband or children on the horizon.
6. I am appalled at some outfits I see in stores.  What am I, my mother??
7. I refuse to wear short shorts anymore along with really short skirts.
8. I wonder if some of my outfits make me look old.
9. Picking up guys at bars and getting hit on at bars is no longer fun and is mostly just annoying.
10. A lot of events now seem very low key which has always been great some times but NOT all of the time.
11. You have to plan out just about everything in order to make plans with friends because most everyone is so busy.  I like and miss spontaneity!
12. I focus way too much on the future.

Any additions from the peanut gallery?

The Southern Gentleman or Not

I have a great personality and am a southern gentleman. I def know how to treat a women in and out of the bedroom. 


In light of my last post on old-fashioned dating, I thought I would share my thoughts on the above line I received in an email.  What sort of proper Southern gentleman states he knows how to treat a woman in and out of the bedroom? Also, why do you have say this sort of thing?  Shouldn't this be something that one finds out over the course of time and after you've started to hooking up?  If you have to state this, I'm pretty confident you probably SUCK.  The same goes for stating you have a great personality.  I feel like this is something that should shown not told.  Maybe it was being told this one too many times in English class, but generally speaking, if you have to announce such things, they are likely not very true.


Ok, just had to rant.

Old Fashioned Dating: To be Picked Up or Not?

I have a 2nd date with a guy on Wednesday.  We're going to see the Counting Crows and Augustana.  I'm super pumped.  Not only is it a great idea for a second date, but I also like the bands.  


The first date went really well.  We met for drinks at a low key bar starting talking at 7pm and didn't finish (without awkward pauses, etc) until around 11pm.  He walked me to my car (very sweet) and then asked if he could kiss me (**swoon).  It was a sweet couple of peck kisses of sorts--certainly not anything to make my knees buckle, of course, but it was incredible to be asked to be kissed!  I don't think that's happened since high school especially the peck part.  I don't routinely get mauled by any means, but normally they swoop in wanted or not.

We talked about the concerts over the 1st date and then he texted Sunday to ask if I'd like to go.   I obviously said Yes!  He then offers to come and pick me up and drive us to the venue.  I text back that it's totally unnecessary as he lives on 1 side of town and I on the other and it would add an hour and half to the trip.  He replies he prefers the old fashioned way of dating and I can't get the whole Mr. Sweet dating experience unless he picks up me.  I reply: Very sweet but there's plenty of time for the whole experience in the future ;).  


This got me to thinking: First--how AWESOME that a guy is polite enough to offer to pick me up (again hasn't happened in a while); Second--I would never let a guy I met online pick me up on a second date; Third--my 21st century self has really ruined the romance part of dating.  


Although many of my dates and/or posts don't reflect it, I am a romantic at heart.  I want to be swept off my feet.  I want to be picked up and driven, given flowers, and experience the whole romantic notion of dating.  Dating online and crimes of the 21st century, however, have ruined many of those "fantasies".  Immediately, when I get offered to be picked up, I think are you a secret murderer, rapist i.e. will you harm me in some way.  Not exactly of which romance is made.  


So I'm still left with a couple questions: Can romance exist in online dating at least in the initial phases?  Am I being overly cautious?

How the Family factors into the equation

So, we all have family issues of one sort or another.  We love our families; we hate our families, but regardless, they are ours and we are stuck with them.  Fortunately, for me, my family is all and all pretty great.  We all like to have to a good time, we vacation together, we drink together. We tend to drink a lot together.  This is not to say all we do is drink...we talk a lot too.  They tend to go very well together at least I think.


What happens when a potential partners' family is a bunch of teetotallers?  In a similar vein as in my post, I Don't Drink - The Water Guy, I feel a little funny about dating someone whose family doesn't drink even when they drink.  I have never had the experience of dating someone seriously whom didn't drink or whose family didn't imbibe.  How do you break the ice at the first meeting if you can't have cocktails?  I am capable of carrying on conversation without booze, but if socializing is involved, I prefer for there to be drinks.


On some level, I think it is absurd to actually question wanting to get serious with someone just because their family doesn't drink, but I do.  I can't imagine spending holidays with a family sober.  What's the fun in that?  Also, the judging factor.  Most people that don't generally drink tend to be very religious and tend to think that those that do drink are less than, bad, from the devil, etc.   While I'm not anti-religious, organized religion is not particularly for me especially due to the judging nature characteristic of some religions.  


Spending a large portion of my life (this is obviously looking very far into the future) being judged because I drink and not being able to imbibe when with said future family is very unappealing.  A little less into the future, I think about wedding festivities: one side wasted; the other side sober watching and judging.  Not to mention, what if the sober side requested a dry wedding???  Ahhh--that's my own personal version of hell as well as my family's.  


Question--is it possible to date someone with a teetotalling family, remain sane, and have everyone get along?

The Anti-Date

I went out with a published author who wrote about manufacturing and China.  Considering that my passion has always been China, I thought, again (are you noticing that I really try to pick people with commonalities) this should at least be an interesting date and we'll have plenty to talk about.  I arrive at the tavern first and he comes in shortly after.  


We sit at the bar and order drinks.  Start chatting about his experience and his book.  Pretty interesting so far but then he starts to try and tap me for ideas about his second book.  By this time, I can tell his ego is a little too big.  Then, in mid-conversation, he starts chatting with other girls in the bar.  I'm a pretty friendly person and chatting it up with others especially while sitting at a bar is totally great...not however when I'm in mid-sentence.  And, he walks away to continue the conversation.  So, I start talking with the people around me and then, I see someone I know and haven't seen in forever, Phil.  Phil and I were friends from high school and strictly friends.  Haven't seen him in about 10 years and there's lots to chat about.  We're in mid-conversation when Mr. Author re-appears after having disappeared for 30 minutes.  


He looks put out like I've been ignoring him (hello, he walked away while I was mid-sentence).  I introduce the 2 of them and I try to include him in the conversation.  He walks away again--now ignoring me and my friend.  At this point, I tell Phil he's been one rude asshole and Phil suggests we go into the inside bar.  I find Mr. Author and tell him I'm heading inside.  He sort of shrugs and continues his diatribe to his new lady friends.  I chalk it up to another bad date and continue hanging out with Phil.  Later on, he comes inside to tell me he's heading out and again looks upset/pissed that I've been ignoring him.  Who does this guy think he is--you can ignore me but your ego gets bruised when the same happens to you?  Big Fat Whatever.

The Sneak Attacker

What happens when you date a virgin?  Although I'm not a virgin, I try not to discriminate against those that choose to remain a virgin until they get married.  Granted, I have run into very, very few of these type men.  Ok, let's be honest-I've only known one.  


At an event my family and I attend every year, I started to hear rumors that a certain someone was interested in me.  Of course, as a girl, I got pretty excited.  It's always flattering to hear that someone "likes" you.  It goes back to the check yes or no notes from elementary school.  My friends, however, warn me that he is a virgin.  I think, well maybe that will take some of the edge off the relationship.  Plus, there are other ways to play.  We start hanging out that week, hook up, and get along really well.  We don't live in the same city but in the same state and we exchange numbers.  


A couple of days after I get home, he calls.  Yippee!  We continue with nightly chats and then plan a weekend for me to come and visit.  I go and we have a great time.  In fact, he's so thoughtful, he gets tickets to a Christmas play.  Fast forward a couple of weeks and he comes and visits in my hometown and we go camping.  Again, a GREAT time!  Then, I go back to visit him.  Stay with me--there is a punch line.  During all these visits, we've hooked up but no sex which I'm fine with believe or not.  I've gotten my rocks off and so has he.  I think, well maybe this isn't so bad.  


It's Sunday afternoon of the visit and we're making out.  Pants come off and while, of course, I'm secretly wishing let's end this celibacy thing, I keep playing along.  Then I get the surprise of a life time especially at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.  He is trying to poke me in the ass.  WHAT!  I jump back 5 feet and start to ramble and get word womit, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.  What do you think you're doing? Maybe if it was 3am and I was wasted that could happen but not sober at 3pm.  And wait, wait, wait, I thought you were a virgin."  He replies he is a virgin.  I say, but you just tried to have anal sex with me????????  He then states that he is saving himself for his wife and giving his virginity to her on their wedding night as his special gift.  I think you actually think that fucking someone up the butt is saving oneself for marriage.  Huh? What?  


At this point, the mood is obviously ruined so I dress, pack, and get on the road.  I drive home still wondering how one can consider anal sex not real sex.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that most women would consider a man having a bunch of ass sex NOT A VIRGIN.  I'm also feeling slightly traumatized by having my butt almost sneak attacked.  


Our relationship had gone really well until the sneak attack.  Then, the phone calls stopped.  Of course, I ask/tell all of my friends about this curious episode and they agree what man thinks you can fuck an ass and still be a virgin.  It also becomes their most favorite of all of my stories.


Fast forward to the next year at the same annual event that we both attend every year...he tries to kiss my friend.  She says, "Whoa buddy, you hooked up with my best friend."  He states, "Yea, but she moved to fast for me."  WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How in the hell could I have moved too fast when you tried to poke me in the ass?